Prep for Summer Weekend O’ Fun:
A Former Champ Speaks Out

By Amir Masliyah

As Weekend O’Fun 2004, An Independence Day Rumble approaches, there’s one thing that will separate the silly-faced Sallies and El Champione, and it starts with a capital “Q”. The word I’m talking about is Preparation comrades, and in prepping for participation in an event as storied as WOF, hot dogs need to be relished up, the brims on young children’s caps patted, and shin guards secured in place, because behind the grinning and the happy rump-slapping there’s at least a few of us who have been infected with prize-greed by the Prancy Horse, thereby turning normally mediocre people into overly competitive idiots that crave their name guilded on the Skills Competition Toaster Trophy. So as I prepare for WOF on our fine nation’s birthday, I prep with a strict regimen of both physical and mental exercises, all of which can only be described and read in the horse-breathed voice of Janet Reno.

My warm-up consists of a lot of wild dancing, inspired by twinkle-toed hoofers like Eugene Levy and my Iraqi father. I strip down to my scivies, I slam on some music (preferably an electronic version of Evenflow), and then I just convulse around with my good pals with or without fake humping. This sort of warm-up, along with proper stretching of the gluteals and alveoli, is absolutely key to getting into the mood of WOF and it can go a long way in securing the fabled accolade known as Dr. Funtastic. Sometimes I thrash street people and tear into YMCA soccer teams in order to clad myself with needed garb for the varied events.

Next I do some allergy prep work. Most contestants don’t address the allergen/anaphylaxis element of the competition, but it’s one of the essential components in my cauldron of success. I do some serious research on what allergens will be present where I’ll be sleeping-- no cats, dogs, birds, bunnies, ponies, squirrels, roaches, mold, or tapirs. Also of concern are whether or not a humidifier will be available and a pharmacy nearby, making sure epinephrine is on-hand for any anaphylactic reactions to peanuts, fish, eggs, dairy products, citrus fruits, soy and any soybean derivatives, corn syrup, artificial flavors and colors, and bees (that buzz). After the local WOF officials have assured me of the event’s safety, I begin praising my WOF predecessors Jeff “Crow like Dog and Bark like Rooster” Lewis and Erik “For Christ’s Sake Turn The” Sincoff.

The next part of my regimen includes a little something called “strategy”. I look over the event schedule and I think about what it takes to win. I especially like to ask this out loud if there’s a chalkboard and a locker/locker room near, and I might smash my hammer fist into Richie Schafer’s locker and yell “Zulu!” a few times. Generally though, I try and get pumped up by reading quotes by Ali and Lombardi and then I sit in the defensive stance during whole episodes of the Cosby Show for endurance training, all the while cursing that damned Sandra for her uppity attitude and insulting treatment of Elvin. This defensive stance training is single-handedly responsible for my minx-like performance in Flame Sword (Winter WOF) alongside my flaming partner Glen Taurasi. After I talk to myself about “a little thing called heart” for a few tics, I look over the contestant list in a process called checking for comp. This phrase was coined by Gouyums Tescher as told by Bradley “Fire and Brimstone” Lewis, and in my world it includes evaluating other funners for their ability in a given event and then convincing myself that the demons which possess the Prancy Horse will spare me defeat and the God of Macabee will deliver me unburnt latkes and a yarmulke with the power to stick on my head during heated badminton competitions. “For this,” I sing, “I must have the COO-RIDGE to fiiiight!”

I’d say that’s about it. I get prepped-- physically, emotionally, mentally, anally-- and I hope it will pay some serious dividends. Long live WOF! Down with the Equine Menace! Hooray for Liquid Paper!