On the surface, PrancyHorse.com is a fun, multi-colored site
filled with clever diversions and biting commentary. But a sober reality underlies
the sparkly exterior. PrancyHorse.com is not as it appears.
In the early 19th century, Napoleon Bonaparte and a few hundred thousand acquaintances freed most of the cerfs in central Europe. (Today, many historians and French view this as a rather nice thing for him and the acquaintances to do.) While Napoleon subsequently did some other things that weren't quite so nice, such as shaming many of the cerfs into walking to Russia with him, where it was very cold, it still was bully of him to free the cerfs. The life of a cerf, after all, isn't a pot of honey.
Unfortunately for several of the cerfs, after the walking to Russia incident and a few other tactical setbacks, Napoleon Bonaparte developed a case of untimely death. I say "unfortunately" because several of the well-connected, cane-wielding, crown-prince-loving reactionary crowd did not look so fondly on this notion of Freedom that the French shared with the cerfs of central Europe. Chief among those that pined for the days of the state-sanctioned pastoral slavery was Prince Klemens von Metternich, who cast a net of misery over the briefly liberated region.
With a snap of his well manicured thumb and ring finger, Metternich re-cerfed the cerfs and broke many a proud farmer man and knitter woman.
Let us not mince words: Prince Klemens von Metternich was a bad master, a diabolical man and a far sighted mind. The repercussions of his actions far outlived his death. In a quaint village near Regensburg centuries ago, a small group of old cerfs with long memories gathered each year on the anniversary of Metternich's death to exchange fears that the mercurial Prince would confound death and his vile ways would well up in fonts across the land. They formed the Burrowing League - a secret society dedicated to fighting the good fight and ridding Central Europe of future Metternichs. Their spotty record on this is largely due to the fact that the descendants of the original Burrowing League emigrated to Northern Ohio and eventually to Central California, where until recently there has been a dearth of evil, manipulative rulers.
It's been years since Prince Klemens von Metternich passed his mantel on to other foul men with good posture and the world has forgotten him. Though bad men surface from time to time in positions of great power, few share the cunning and tenacity of Prince Klemens von Metternich. That is why recent events in the greater Stockton area are so alarming. Rumor and conjecture point to a re-emergence of the dread prince in equine form. While we realize that this seems improbably, we have reason to believe our sources and so should you. This is not merely a shadow of the slaver of old, but the real McCoy.
The soul and DNA of Metternich resides in a cute prancy pony. The story behind this tragic turn is too convoluted to get into here, but mark these words: This is a horse to be reckoned with, who will not stop until he has reworked the world in his contemptible image. The Burrowing Society has picked this time to re-emerge and try to stamp out terror once more.
For an information packet on Prancy Horse and the Burrowing Society's ongoing attempts to foil his plans, please email Horst Dreifachbuchstaber at HDrei@prancyhorse.com.
PrancyHorse.com offers a host of services, including consulting, landscaping, child naming, wordage and stroke advisement. We will satisfy your unique service needs, or you can choose from one of the following service plans:
Platinum Badger Package
**Bonus: Lyrical Semantics, in conjunction with Dr. Joules Bellows
Gold Skink Package
Silver Penguin Package
Fussy Pant, Prancy Horse and
Animalia-Themed Participation Plaques
Help make your next Weekend O' Fun event a memorable one with our participation plaques. Your employees will clutter up their little cubicles with glee.
The award winning software solution that enables pet owners to trace their pets' family trees up to 300 generations, is back with a new version release that includes:
Working for PrancyHorse.com tends to be a poor career move, due to its substandard incentives package, bitter middle management and odd job naming schema.
Currently, there are no paying jobs available at PrancyHorse.com, but if you would like to submit a resume or CV for future consideration, please email it to Hortense Reer at HR@PrancyHorse.com.
Please no cover letters!
Babblog is a website that publishes articles daily on a variety of topics. Run by Martin Butterick and boasting a half-dozen contributors, it promises commentary on entertainment, sports, food and some other random topics. To use Marty's phrase, "It is neither babble nor a blog." Jeff Lewis contributes at least one article weekly to Babblog. Eventually, many articles will find their way onto PrancyHorse.com in one form or another, but please visit Babblog to read them in their original state.
Here Figgy Figgy! & The Beef Jerky Council
Here Figgy Figgy! and The Beef Jerky Council have joined forces with PrancyHorse.com to develop a secret stockpile of dried, nutritious goods in anticipation of another attempt by Prancy Horse to corner the market on non-perishable foods.
Kindred Gottlieb: Sculpture//Lighting Design
Kindred Gottlieb was born in California of Quaker and Jewish roots. She began sculpting in 1989 at The Los Angeles County High School for the Arts under the guidance of ceramicist Henry Takemoto and has since studied sculpture and drawing at many institutions including Amherst and Mount Hollyoke Colleges, Chautauqua School of Art, The New York Studio School for Drawing Painting and Sculpture, and Universität der Künste Berlin. She has also studied neuropsychology and theatrical design at Hampshire College from which she received her Bachelor’s degree. In 1995 she won a grant from the Lemelson Foundation for Innovation and Creativity for her thesis project, the proposal and groundplans for a gigantic walk-through brain. Since 1992, she has worked as a free-lance lighting designer and theater technician and in 1997 co-founded the Plain Speech video production company with her mom. Kindred lives in Berlin, New York, and Los Angeles and turned 30 on 03-03-03. Visit www.kindredgottlieb.com to view and purchase Kindred's work.
Arcane Living, publisher of The Mammal Without Qualities by Nefarious P. Badger, proudly supports PrancyHorse.com and those who fight the good fight everywhere.
The Burrowing League and PrancyHorse.com have partnered with The Fog in their search to undermine Prancy Horse's future attempts at world domination.
Prancy Pets! Inc.
Founded by Dr. Olivia Spaetzle, Prancy Pets! Inc.'s corporate mission is to provide prancy pets to girls and boys. Although initial prancy prototypes resulted in annoying bouncing penguins and hyperkinetic skinks, Prancy Pets! stock is on the rise. True, they are partially responsible for creating the Equine Menace, as well as a swarm of prancy locusts, but the science behind the Prancy brand has been sorted out and is more fun than ever.
Committee for the Apportionment of Fun Activities (CAFA)
A Non-profit organization responsible for the planning, promoting and funding of three Weekend O' Funs and countless one day tournaments, CAFA challenges corporations to invest 15% of all net income in PrancyHorse.com.
Luddite Summer Camp
Teaching kids the meaning of hard work for 342 years! Luddite Summer Camp promises to place your kids in a non-competitive, grueling environment where they can learn to churn butter, roll hay bales and make a vest out of sap, bark and hair.
Dr. Joule Bellows: Semanticist, Hard-Rhymer & Assassin
(Media and Otherwise)
Having trouble coming up with fresh basketball-infused similes? Need a new rhyming couplet for "yatch?" Not sure whether phat, def and bling bling still cut it in the musical marketplace? Dr. June Bellows will fix your hard-core, dirty south or underground rap lyrics. The d. d. Doctor draws on his PhD in semantics, status as Poet Laureate of the LBC and his 22 years in the Fancy Pants Crime Syndicate. Contact Dr. Bellows at jouleB@prancyhorse.com or through the proper channels.
PrancyHorse.com Plans to Turn Profit by Q2, 2007
August 19, 2005
Originally devised as a vehicle to bring stability to the world, PrancyHorse.com now embraces viability, both economically and hegemonically. Towards that end, PrancyHorse.com is excited to announce a new line of Prancy Horse logo shirts. These designer shirts fit tightly at the upper torso, providing a look popular with well and moderately-well apportioned men and women.
Fussy Pant: New Comic Strip From PrancyHorse.com
May 12, 2004
In a bid to find a niche in the expanding online comic market, PrancyHorse.com introduces Fussy Pant, a lighthearted look at a crime syndicate and a poor sap who opposes it. This tale of mistaken identity and avaunt guard couture promises a chortle or two.
PrancyHorse.com Announces PetGeneologist v2.0
January 21, 2004
PetGeneologist, the award winning software solution that enables pet owners to trace their pets' family trees up to 300 generations, is back with a new version release that includes:
A Note From the CEO
This month I take a break from my usual diatribe about the danger that Prancy Horse presents to ask our visitors to help me with a personal problem. For years, I have been unsatisfied with the duration of the leafing stage of my cilantro plants; they go to seed far too soon, despite my best efforts at deflowering them. Why can't they share the prolonged vitality of their crafty mimic, Mr. Parsley? He stays leafy for months after Senor Cilantro has transformed into Madame Coriander. Please pass any suggestions along to my valet at email@example.com.
Rueben J. Canard, CEO